The most super-awesome victory looks like a tiny victory.
When I started this morning’s post, this isn’t at all the subject it was going to be about. Perhaps I’ll save that for another edition of the Hot Mess Express podcast (shameless plug…go and subscribe now…trust me, it’s awesome). Yet as they say…the best laid plans of mice and men…and I had a, well, not sure you could call it a dialogue, but a conversation with someone over FB this morning that pretty much derailed all that.
In the past 18-24 months, more has happened than I think any normal human should ever have to deal with. It’s been rumors, innuendo, backstabbing, anger, bitterness, and hurt feelings all around. I’ve been just as guilty as others. Top that off with having one of your kids hauled off in handcuffs and sent to a mental health facility for a week over Easter weekend, the challenges of helping your kid in coping with mental illness, and seeing another one of your children move out too soon and, well, I’m surprised I’m not a raging drunk or just curled up in the fetal position somewhere, worthless to anyone and anything.
Some awesome life, eh?
Well, my intention was to be real, raw, and uncensored, and this is a peek into my vulnerability, the challenges, the struggles, the abject fucking failures I’ve been through in just the last 24 months.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last couple years is that sometimes just showing up can be your greatest victory.
Today’s one of those days for me.
This will be the first year ever that I won’t be spending Christmas with either of my daughters. This realization has been tough on me, and I’ll be honest, dealing with this hasn’t made me the cheeriest person on the planet to be around. I’ve been cranky, short-tempered, alternating with mopey and sad.
Today, I’m barely holding my shit together to make it through the work day.
If I can make it to the end of the day without losing my fucking shit, that will be my victory.
Somedays….that’s all you can really expect from yourself…and that’s enough.
If you set the expectation that every. single. day. you’re going to slay the dragon, save the prince/princess, and become ruler of the goddamned universe, you’re in for a world of hurt. Neither you nor I can reasonably expect to do that.
Sometimes emotions come along and punch you right in the teeth, demanding to be acknowledged.
Sometimes we’re just angry or sad…sometimes we know why and sometimes we don’t.
It’s those days when victory looks like being dressed, and brushing my teeth.
As of this moment, it’s almost lunch time, and I’ve only been in tears 3 times….that’s less than once per hour so far.
I’ll take that as a victory.